social support

cures headaches, the indescribable weight of a vague sense of confusion, ruts, brain freeze, a heartbreak…so much.

 

if there’s anything i learned this year, it’s this.

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this life.

walk down a hill, watch a balloon fly away, hitch a ride but get lost, there are so many kinds of roses, inspect each and every one until a thorn pricks you, run to the hospital, eat an ice cream, decide you like desert, watch the sun set and the cacti weep, experience sadness for the first time, drive into a dead end, stay there for years, watch the stars as they twinkle and twinkle and strawberry fields and lucy in the sky with…

…go to tiffany’s, get turned down, watch a movie, buy a book, fly a kite, accidentally cut someone off, feel desolate like it’s the end of the world, watch a disaster movie, experience a natural disaster, win and lose and win and lose, always go for ice cream afterwards, look at a rose in water and don’t feel the prick anymore, check your mail for the 377486th time, fail again for the 3646th time, win some he looked so winsome, reread that thread for the 345th time, it fizzles out, change the channel to disney, change it back to 10sports, star movies, rewatch the disaster movie that reminds you of the time you went kite flying, get ready for work, pack your sandwich in a tiffany bag, watch the sun set and the stars twinkle like the last time that feels like only yesterday.

impulse.

the impulse

is more than what is transmitted

by the neuron as permitted

though going with the flow

is more adequate;

did that actually mean the same?

sometimes you do things

and you’re hardly aware

till they bite you at the back

and you feel like you’re falling

falling

falling

you missed rock bottom by two stops

why did you ever take the plunge?

.

.

What’s sadder? The fact that this is all true and not a just-for-the-sake-of-angst thing or that even the poem or whatever you call this sucks? I care too much and then I don’t care for a minute and then I pay. It’s like Macbeth. You should either care or not care. When you’re in between both you take the easy route and feel so frickin much for it.

The guilt eats you up and you’re like Why The Hell Didn’t I Just Do That and That and That? The sad thing is that a part of you knows that if you had done that and that and That, you would’ve felt for that as well but you just happened to take the one which led to the harshest fall.

And this wasn’t the first time. Whatever happened isn’t the only thing that’s eating me up. Too many things are. I’m just either pissed off or scared nowadays. So so so so scared.  Scared about my future and the present and the crap in between which isn’t even worth crapping about. Every millisecond counts and yet it doesn’t.

And during fear-filled moments like these, all these worries accumulate and form this sea of crap and I’m just like…I don’t know. There’s nothing to look forward to. Everything feels and is sketchy. Too many decisions. Too many choices. Too many actions. Too many consequences. Too many ifs and buts and whens.

And everything depends on the here and now and will and can.

I miss the carefree days when we could just be. It sounds stupid and superficial coz I’m just a 12th grader and haven’t ‘even seen the world’ or whatever. I know this is the best of the worst in store for me. Probably. But those days were just… carefree-er?

I’m thinking about the things that led to this entry-thing now and I really wish I wouldn’t think so much. It’s over. I’ll just not do these things again. There’s time. Maybe it’ll heal.

Everything ends with a maybe these days.

Maybe.