sometimes, it is me

when i’m cold, selfish, manipulative and distant. when you call and i don’t pick up. when you text and i am too lazy to recharge. when you text, i see it and it causes a genuine smile to creep into my face but i forget to reply for days.

when you say something, and i forget to empathise until it strikes me that holycrap, what you went through was real. but it’s too late then. the moment has passed and you were miserable and i didn’t do anything but act like a scornful idiot.

when you say something but my mind is somewhere else. 

when you say something but i don’t get there yet.

when i say i miss you but you think i don’t mean it because i didn’t show it then. i didn’t show it then.

when i stare at the part of the wall opposite where i’m sitting, thinking¬†i should say hi, i should ask her if she’s okay, i wonder where he went, i wonder if she’s okay, what she did was amazing that day, i care more than she thinks i do…¬†but i don’t get out of bed. i’m staring at that point of the wall, thinking. i don’t show it then. i forget to show it later.

who do you blame for that? the phone? the text message plan? the duckling in the pond? it is me. of course it’s me.