purpose, second edition

A friend requested a college edition of purpose, a post in which I’d attempted to think about why life excited me way back in school. It’s crazy how insanely shallow and yet incredibly true that post is. My short term goals are momentary and startlingly specific.

In school, my world was limited to school and home. That was a blessing in disguise. I wasn’t affected by anything beyond the fence but for some weird reason I wanted to be.

Years later, here I am…still wondering what helps me wake up with hope and energy. In the bluntest terms, my purpose

Summer after school ended: Going college shopping, the possibilities that come with transitioning from school to college, the thought of having a good college experience and really turning things around

First year, college: Getting good grades, no room to slack off because I wanted to get into every Master’s course I applied to, I didn’t want to be rejected by anyone ever again.

Second year, college: Reading, interning, reading obsessively because book blog but in a way that felt so enriching, studying became easy again so I didn’t have to study obsessively

Third year, college: Not screwing up my post as Lit Sec, spending time with friends, allowing for good moments with people to have as much meaning as my invisible military-style check list of goals for every year

Summer after undergrad: Not screwing up entrances and interviews, wondering why it mattered sometimes but salvaging those helpless purposeless moments by escaping into a book, Candy Crush! I had to finish 100+ levels…just because.

First year grad: Cycling around a pretty campus, learning for learning, through videos, through assignments, through life… plastic fluorescent stars, a vision board, the night-sky… more about experiencing, less about concrete needs and goals and outcomes.

Second year grad: Stuck without thrill or meaning when my yellow phone got misplaced and my data didn’t work…made me wonder how everything depended on network. why. Made me feel so hopeless and ordinary.

Second year last few months: Experiencing, living, being, me.

Summer after grad: I lived for attention, belongingness, validation. Or just any one. Life needed to be a good story, a quirky plot.

my purpose, now: Finding balance. Embracing moderation. Carving my own destiny without upsetting everything in sight in the name of free will. It’s so easy to throw yourself into everything or abstain. But to regulate and stay afloat…to flourish while holding back especially during times when it’s just more comfortable and less troublesome to abandon logic and context…Moderation and/ equilibrium is the real challenge (less is more, more or less).

I started my new years feeling happy to have had a balanced and fruitful day.

But one day is easy. I hope to summon the strength and resources to make what I want out of the rest of the year.

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purpose.

When we’re not kids anymore it’s not that easy. When can’t live to live when we actually know what that means. We’re not as light as we used to be, don’t feel as light and will never see that light.

Once upon a time life didn’t need a purpose.

Maybe it still doesn’t but there is this obsessive need to have one. The feeling of feeling lost and confused without one. When my TV Subscription was cut off, I had this phase when everything SUCKED because nothing had purpose or significance. Then I tried to think of when I’d actually HAD a purpose and came up with this list.

MYDESIRETOLIVE WAS FUELED BY

6th Std. Harry frickin Potter (How COULD I not live to read the 7th book?); Daniel Radcliffe forums and the great world of EzBoard dot com; friends; I actually liked school then; I was studying well and stuff.

7th Std. Harry frickin Potter (ha). The gobletoffire movie was out, we were all going for it like for my bday and it was going to be soo much fun and all that; School and I liked to hate certain teachers; canteen and buying chocolate from SS; renting movies from MovieLand; 3 way calls; prank calls; going everywhere in the car which once had a driver; landmark;

8th Std. Same as above mostly. And all the books and movies left for me to read and watch in the world.

9th Std. Auto times; School Election fun; The OC (how beautiful was the 1st Season? I wanted to be able to create something that beautiful someday; I lovedloved Josh Schwartz). And I didn’t want this year to be my last year because it was such a shitty year. My Class Teacher hated me. I was slippinslippingslipping at times. But oh the 7th Book (HP). I had to live to read it.

10th Std. School was fun again. 7th Book was releasing, the wait was totall-yyy going to be worth it! Wasn’t it? The 5th movie was going to be out. We were all (same group as 4th) going to watch it. OOo. I liked everyone in class. I had many things to think and giggle about at home and on the phone as a result. Reading Gone With The Wind. If I survived this year, the summer after the Boards would be fantabulous with the DREAM SUMMER already constructed in my head.

10th Summer. No, I didn’t go anywhere out of station or country or go to Guitar classes as I’d wanted to. But I’d joined Alliance; found a little group of people who were basically like people I normally hung out with with different names; Hanging out everywhere; Reading books like Fountainhead and Sloppy Firsts which were the kind of books I’d wanted to read all year. Texting 24/7. 3AM chats. Looking forward to the new school and subjects I’d actually liked. 6th HP movie? (Full version of The Summer -> http://heartshapedlies.wordpress.com/2009/08/30/closure/)

11th Std.FIRST TERM. Getting to know people in the new school; Was I actually doing super well here? A 45/50? ZOMG. I was totally in touch with my other friends as well. Smilie wars. ;]

SECOND TERM. Bio classes (despite sucking at Bio). The rainy days. The Sweet Sixteen That Depressed Me In The End Despite It’s Awesomeness (Coz That’s How Ungrateful Scorpions Are) (no, i’m generalising). TV.

THIRD TERM. The hanging out with cool people. American Idol and how it made me smile and love life. LOST. Bonding with my lil’ brother.

SUMMER. More Idol, Lost, FRIENDS ( the sitcom), texting, Library and Library fantasies, TVTVTV and more TV.

12th Std. TV. Movies that came on TV. Bunking school and lazing around. Hanging out. Writing. Radio.

12th Std LAST TERM (now). No TV? :O Renting movies. Lots of them. Texting. Books. TV on tvshack. Writing. Chilling now and then. The time after exams (there were too many exams).

As you can see my life is getting lamer.

How long will I live like this?