New years goals/ resolutions.

Goals

  1. Saving up for BEA
  2. Getting a summer internship I’m excited about
  3. Aspiring towards integrity. None of this “go with the flow” nonsense. I can’t anymore.
  4. Valuing time.
  5. Learning how to drive
  6. Reading a book a month.
  7. Getting the book blog active again.
  8. Developing a good work ethic.
  9. Integrating work and leisure, rather than separating the two so much that both feel like a chore.
  10. Wading past the white noise, and figuring out what I want for real.
  11. Doing what I want to do but if I find myself stuck somewhere I don’t want to be, getting the most out of it because you can get what you want out of things you don’t want, it is all in the mind, it is just less of 3.

Happy almost-new year ūüôā

Story of a girl.

Why do we push the people who care most about us to their limits?

I guess this needs context, as everything does. And third person, because that reduces responsibility and accountability.

Once upon a time, there lived a girl. Girl has self-esteem issues. She needs people to tell her what she is. She claims to be an individual, but she is constantly afraid of driving people away. She does not want to be alone and shunned and unwanted.

And then there are diamonds-in-the-rough that walk by, and tell her she’s great. Only, she does not believe them. So she needs to know if it is true. She sees how long they will stick around and maintain the story that she is great. The one with common-sense walks away. The other stays, but she throws pebbles¬†their way creating ripples and ripples until even¬†that…diamond/person gets chaffed. Because now, she needs to know if they think she is great despite her acting out and being unreasonable and annoying and inconsiderate and aloof. She needs to know how much she is worth, despite all of that graininess and flak that surrounds her. Only, that isn’t so great, is it? She is acting out of fear, and that closes and constricts everything she has to offer.

If the girl walks down this path, all of that glitter and promise will remain hidden under layers and layers and layers of guilt and delayed gratification and disintegrity (probably not a word). It is the new year. She needs a new storyboard.

 

my (sort of) resolutions hidden in these fragments of wants

happy music.

cupcakes. sunshine.

the company of people i love, who i will not take for granted again.

more effort. less nonchalance. more leaps. less reluctance, self consciousness, feelings of helplessness.

more varied worlds/characters/genres to escape into (books. movies. tv.)

self-dependence. 

taking a path that resembles something i can do for the rest of my life.

someone rightly said that happiness is a choice. that it’s under our¬†control. we cannot¬†ask¬†for it. we need to choose it. and this year, i hope to choose happiness over angstiness.

bring it on, 2014.

the new year and its backbone

And it’s 2011. It’s (belatedly) snowing in my blog again. It’s a new year, and I’ve made resolutions. I’ve called and wished everyone a happy new year. I didn’t attend my friend’s new year party, but preferred having a How I Met Your Mother marathon instead. All alone (with my brother watching now and then, though he was mainly on his laptop). With junk food. Till my stomach got sick of all the sugar and I almost fell asleep on the couch (though my phone rang, and woke me up).

I haven’t decided if this new years was pathetic, or just awesome, coz it was predictably within my comfort zone. And for once, I was brave enough (or just plain anti-social) to not go out just for the sake of getting out there… because I just wasn’t in the mood today. I knew that, and yet normally, I’d still go out and make small-talk, hoping something life-changing would happen. Afraid that I’d miss a potential run-in with someone who may change my predictable yet perfectly harmless and whatever life.

It’s stupid, but sometimes, I can feel myself waiting, waiting, and waiting, feeling that desperate.

It was just an hour ago, when the clock struck twelve and the calls came (waking me up from my dazed TV-zombied state) that I paused to assess what I already had. Friends I’d already made, people who were still there in my life, and memories of things that had actually happened. It had amazed me that I hadn’t thought about such things in a while. My mind had been constantly bouncing forward, as it does when you’re not content.

I thought about the people who’d put up with my mood swings and pointless rambling. My almost-jokes and bad days. With my insecurities and to-do lists dated fifty years in the future. I’m not an easy person to be with. I might laugh easily, and try to be nice, but I just can’t sound genuine when I’m being fake. The expressions on my face that correspond with the words are a dead giveaway. Even if the situation demands that I be polite.

I am not an easy person to find a common ground with. Sometimes, when I talk, I may not even make sense to you. I may start arguing against something, and as realise mid-conversation, that the other person is probably right. Sometimes, I can’t even talk. The awkward silences will make me cringe even more than you do, and that one awkward silence will overwhelm and intimidate me,¬†permanently¬†freezing my brain.

Sometimes, we might just hit it off, but you might say one thing, just one thing- that might sound like a subtle insult, or something, and I’ll spend days thinking about it. I’ll wonder if you are bored of me. I won’t be able to talk properly after that, at least for a while.

Given this, and more, I guess I’m grateful to be eighteen, and still have that bunch of really good friends who’ve been with me despite everything- for they are the people who’ve stayed. They are the people who could’ve easily not stayed in touch, as shifting schools, and colleges, and cities- there were and still are a lot of excuses not to stay in touch. People have come and gone, and some relationships were more fickle than they appeared to be, but a lot of them have surprisingly stood the test of time. I will always love them for the endless conversations, laughs, good times, great times, the confessions, moments that felt real, for getting me, for actually liking me, and making me who I am.

2011 marks the beginning of a new decade- and another possibility of growth, and perhaps change. I’m not going to wait for that potentially life-changing something, but cherish what I have, and not take it for granted. It sounds corny. It’s been said a lot of times (in better ways)- but this is all I want from 2011. Let the new year begin!

NaBloPoMo- January

Note: One of the best ways of actually recording and making the best use of every moment would be to, um, record every moment. Which is why I’m doing NaBloPoMo this month (the theme is FRIENDS–¬†Best friends, worst friends, friends of the family . . . how many do you have, how many do you need, and where are they when you need them?). I am hoping to analyse the theme to death this month, as well as blog about its relevance in my life! One post a day will be a challenge, but it should be do-able.

the end of the decade. and?

2009 wasn’t horrible. It could’ve been better. I made too many mistakes but I also like to think I’ve learnt from them.

The Law of Losing Something and Gaining Something Else is a law I believe in. I did lose a lot of things but I gained other things so precious I didn’t see it till I had to. I have bartered the carefully carved topaz for a diamond in the rough and that’s okay.

Sometimes, I feel pangs because of the people, places, easier times I’ve left behind but things happen that make me aware of how I’ve needed this change. I’m still scatter-brained and clumsy and irresponsible but I’ve gotten more independent and rely more on myself, to an extent. It shocked me to realise, this year, how I should’ve just trusted my judgment instead of others at times, how I could’ve done things better if I’d let myself have a say in it instead of letting everybody else tell me what to do. And I was shocked by how shocking the revelation was.

I have resolutions this year. But I’m not going to right them down as that would just make them clichedly forgettable. As a decade, this has been a pretty okay one! I mean, we had Britney, BSB, Harry Potter, –cough– Twilight, Adaamm Lambert, Idol, The OC, Death! Cab For Cutie and so many fluffy-cute-amazing things! I’ve probably over looked the best and greatest things but at the top of my head, that’s what the decade represents.

And?

Well, I’d like to just blossom into this perfect person and meet the perfect person and pick the perfect subject to take in college without getting bored by the perfection, thanks to all the sparkly-fireworks-filled tungsten-y (because sepia is so non-futuristic!) moments but I guess life’s just going to be an extension of what it is now.

But I guess you never know, right?

This post could jinx it. This post could also MAKE it funny and Oh-My-God-Yesterday-I-Was-Like-Blah-And-Now-It’s-ACTUALLY-Blah!!!

So… whatever happens… just happen. By now I’d like to think I’m ready for anything (ha).