crazy, stupid ****.

His eyes sweep across the room. Her stomach churns, as she looks away- when they are seconds, just seconds away from meeting hers.

And fuck. There is electricity in that almost-gaze.

Time expands and does a back flip as she rushes past the hallway. The bell clangs against the rough, uncouth voices of everyone else. She fills her mind with the clutter she once thought mattered, but her mind is now a sieve.

She doesn’t look back. She doesn’t have to.

 

Crazy, Stupid ****

Deathcabforcutielove.

On a Death Cab for Cutie rebinge.

Why do they have to be so heartbreakingly poignant?

Or plain poignant. “But I know your heart belongs to someone you’ve yet to meet.”

I remember listening to Plans on my way to school. And sneaking peeks of the DCFC Transatlanticism poster in The OC

“And I held you closer than anyone would ever guess.”

“But these wrinkles masterfully disguise the youthful boy alone who turned your way and saw something he was not looking for; both a beginning and an end.”

i love love

it is one of those moments when i am overwhelmed by a single email smilie, love, kindness given without any expectation of anything in return and sporadic text updates… all in the past five minutes from three people: one friend, one acquaintance and one stranger, at the moment when i needed it the most.

making me want to burst into tears.

or say cheesy things like i love LOVE.

and do amazingly in tomorrow’s exam because people… they care. they care about what happens to me.

stagefry.

Walking up the stage
It’s not a long walk
My head is in my heart
My heart is in my mouth.

Feel nerves rearrange
Tell myself it’s time to talk
My head is in my heart
My heart is in my mouth.

Struggle with the page
Sound like board un’ chalk
My head is in my heart
My heart is in my mouth.

Tightening of the ribcage
I’m Jack on shaky beanstalk
My heart is in my mouth
My mouth is drying up.

Tell myself to calm down
The words fly out
But it takes time
For them to float about
And settle down.

The people in the hall
They are already gone
Mind is finally unblocked
But they are already gone.

Bring me back on stage
Repeat the awkward walk
And there will be the speeding of my heart
The need to run south

But still.

I’ll remember the last phase
The final turn of clock
And I’ll follow the quickening of the heart
The urge to overcome the verbal drought.

of sweet .somethings.

Your eyes glow
Mine reflect it in slow-mo
We gesture wildly
In sync with our voices
That ring with the electricity of a child’s-
Loud, uncouth, yet so real.
This is more intimate than the slowest slow dance
The sexiest kiss
Coz it’s a snapshot
Of who we are;
And who we will be
In the long shot.
We will grow old and gray together
My breasts will sag, your belly will expand
But that spark-
The sparkle in your eye-
Will outlast the norms, the mores
And mine will reflect it in slow-mo.

I haven’t been in love. Ever. But this is how I imagine it will be.

closure.

I read those old mails I sent and received back when I used gmail to actually keep in touch when D was vacationing abroad rather than for FP review alerts, school stuff and scanned notes and all that. The mails, chats and FB albums are all traces of the summer of ’08, the summer of FB, the summer of gtalk, the summer when those amazingamazing moments could be recorded like it never had been before.

The notes, doodles and phone numbers scrawled in my French books (for I’d taken my first French class then as everyone else had things like IIT coaching, I wanted something too), the saved chats and everything that imprinted that time used to give me pangsandpangsandpangs as that was one summer that seems picture perfect now as I had been in my element then, full of confidence that was temporary and sudden.

That summer paved way to new beginnings as I threw it all away and switched schools that June. I used to think it would’ve been easier if I hadn’t but I don’t think so anymore. That summer was convenient but there were awkward moments airbrushed from my memory (actual cringe, worthy moments with A ohmygodohmygodcrap and Pr‘s bday).

But All I can remember is the laughing, constantly texting B, K and P, the evenings at the beach, the hints of a crush I hid till I spilled it all to P who actually kept it to herself which I’m eternally thankful for, moments with my family, staying up till 3 chatting with D as I couldn’t sleep how much ever I tried, roaming around CV with P and listening to Imogen Heap (Useless, Speeding Cars) and Panic!AtThe Disco (Lying Is The Next Best Thing..) and falling asleep while reading Fountainhead and waking up to continue where I drifted off, devouring the moist and crumbly chocolate cake and chocolate mousse after French.. They were all unexplainably beautiful and are like shiny, perfect Kodak moments in my head.

Yet, as I finished reading those mails I started reading the chats with S and C right after the Summer of Perfection, my first friends in my new school. Exchanging music, talking about the randomest stuff, actually getting each other’s weirdass references.. moments that had slipped from my mind. Would life have been the same without them?

It’s funny how the pangs have vanished. How D and I are still as close as we were and how maybemaybe it’s even better now as there have been amazing moments after that all scattered which I have overlooked.

It took a random Sunday Morning to get this but I’m happy it did. I feel at home with who I am, where I’m at now. I feel okay being awkward and shy and whatever. No more I Don’t Know Who I Am and I Don’t Belong In This Sucky World Anymore. I think, I hope, I guess.