i care

There are layers within layers within layers within layers.

I care but I don’t care. No, I care that I care. I don’t want to care. I care to not care.

But I care.

It hits my stomach… this sick feeling that things did not go according to plan.

It takes my confidence for a sixer… who am I? what am I? where am I?

What is the meaning of life? Why am I doing this? What am I doing?

I care but I care but I care.

rows.

My parents are killing me these days.

It’s rows and after rows after rows with my mother. Everything about it frustrates me. The gritted teeth, the horribly phrased tight-lipped words and the reminders of how sucky I’ve turned out.

The insecurity and horrible-ness of Right Now kills me.

The Future used to kill me. But that used to be okay as I could always tell myself I’d take one day at a time and it was Right Now that mattered as you didn’t really know what could happen in two months and stuff.

That’s what makes the thought of this Right Now so frustratingly nailbitingly screwed up. If I go out once I’m ‘partying all the time’ (yeah RIGHT), if I’m on the phone once I’m ‘on the phone 24/7’, if I watch Ellen like once or twice I ‘watch whatever comes on tv’ and it’s always about getting involved and what the neighbours think and how crushing bad opinions will be.

If that ever happens, they’ll be the cause coz they’re the only ones you exaggerate everything and just KILL me.

My friends want to know why I’ve become so frickin uptight. Well, there you go.

While they’re there like always (my friends) and I love them it’s not enough. It’s never enough. I’m frankly not even that interested in anything that’s done anyway coz I’d rather be alone. I’d rather read and write and read and read till my eyes bleed than TALK and gossip and oooh and aaah over everything.

So they (my parents) didn’t let me even go for a frickin movie tomorrow. I frankly don’t care. I don’t even know why I wanted to go.

But they have to go on and on and on about the many other things I should be doing like BIOFRICKINOLOGY till I want to scream even AFTER saying No and when I scream it’s like ‘Oh What will the neighbours think when they hear that and hear you behaving like a savage?’

OMG. Like they didn’t provoke me AT ALL.

I’m going to call A now and ask her to cancel my ticket.

And I seriously don’t care coz I don’t know what matters anymore. Nothing does. Not when you feel a numb mess and want to break things and break more things and scream but oh The Bloody Neighbours Who You Have Rarely Spoken To Will Think Something And That Matters So Much.

maybe

It’s been a while but nothing’s really changed. I’m exactly where I left off. That’s confused, spoilt, depressed, unsure, pathetic in the high’s aren’t that high yet the low’s aren’t that low either way. The same issues persist and I continue to embarrass myself easily, not think when I talk and just fail at being a human being (‘the social animal that craves for companionship’) basically.

But spending the whole of today kind of experiencing the same and more made me realise that maybe that wasn’t a big deal.

Especially when I spent the whole day writing, watching TV, texting until it started raining… Going out and getting drenched…smelling, tasting and taking in the dampness and the coldness the rain provided, which I lived for.. Listening to Taylor Swift’s Fearless, my guilty pleasure and watching Sonny With A Chance, another guilty pleasure followed by Friends and chit-chatting till I returned to the unpleasant Bio work I had pending.

It was sort of comforting in a warm, fuzzy predictable way. It wasn’t corny or amazing but it was enough. It is enough. I can live with this.

hello.

hello.

i hate that word. hello. it sounds so hollow, polite, whatever. and hi? too blunt unless it’s hiiiii!!! maybe that’s what my problem is. i look into these things too much. i analyse every stupid thing people say and when you analyse things they just all seem hateful, horrible, disinterested and…you know. even annoying if your name is Mia and you spent the whole of the fourth book of Princess Diaries whining till it hurts. does he LIKE me or LOVE me? give me a fucking break.

i can be a bit of a hypocrite, yes.

i’m going through this phase when i like not using capital letters and pretti sounds prettier than pretty (yeah, go away stupid grammarfreaks/nitpickers!). and i love britney, katy perry, boom boom pow, adam lambert, simon cowell,¬† LOST, heroes, vm and i WANT to love eminem’s whatever single ‘we made you’ and repetitiveyetdeliberatelyfastpaced gossip girl (though i still watch it). i feel like a part of me is gone with my old school and i feel boring, useless, alone, stupid and yet thankful for all the changes i’ve deliberately opted for. i also think i’m bipolar because my mood swings? they’re not really spaced out. one day i’m happiii and the next day i’m lost and feel forced into my own body.

i also feel like a stub as people around me are changing and growing and evolving. i feel lost in the whirlwind of change and the only drama i get is from self-conflict which makes me miss 10th and the old school which makes me wonder how crazy i am. and yes, i make the same mistakes, get bored of things easily but despite everything i’m going through i’m glad that i still love writing as that’s one thing that’s been with me throughout. the sound of my fingers against the keyboard as my thoughts flow…that’s music for me.

between all the mistake-making, tension-induced, ugly stupidity there’s one question i’ve been asking myself over and over again this year. maybe it has something to do with being 16 years old but what felt self-explanatory few years back feels equivalent to the unexplainable- who am i?

it’s stupid that i have no clue. i feel like i’ve always been¬† wearing different masks unconsciously and now that i’m old enough to catch up with myself, i’m confused at what i see which is nothing.

but there’s a lot of time ahead which scares me and yet fills me with hope which has almost always let me down.

being nail bitingly shy, overly concerned, over analysing and lying unnecessarily? that’s not something you want to be. it’s not easy to uncover the layers that have formed with time.

who am i?

maybe someday, when this blog gets filled up and life-changing things just HAPPEN like in the movies, i’ll know.