and finally.

So, it’s the end of the beginning. The beginning of the end.

My exams are finally over! FINALLY. After two months of slogging, crying, nearly ripping apart textbooks in frustration, texting frantically, texting angrily, making plans for “after the board exams”, drinking iced-tea and thumbing through the 6763 odd lessons left the night before the exam and wondering when it would end, watching American Idol and Chuck and reading Veronica Mars transcripts in between studying, going on Facebook every five minutes, twitter-stalking celebs, Facebook-stalking people I didn’t talk to anymore, thinking about the past, the present, the future, freaking out, letting really dumb things ruin my day…

Making lists of things to do when the exams got over, making promises to yourself, deals with Fate (“I’ll start studying for Eco RIGHT. AWAY if I do well in Bio.”), dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, not letting the drama queens get to me, the bitch-fights IN THE MIDDLE OF EXAMS piss me off, with the dreaming, dreaming, dreaming…

And it’s here. The Day. The beginning of the end of the beginning. The end of 12th standard, school, hanging out in front of the canteen, talking super-loudly in empty classrooms with friends when there’s a class going on in the same floor and we’re supposed to be downstairs playing a sport, losing so many textbooks and water bottles, the “funny” fights that end too quickly, walking with S in circles after school as we talk about nothing, reading ridiculously trashy books in the school library, getting cornered by a teacher and laughing for hours after she leaves, texting and getting calls from Z and D and F just when I assume we’ve lost touch for good, the A-P-P-P Harry Potter movie tradition…

It’s all over. Forever.

I’m not a sentimental person. I’m too busy expecting more and anticipating things to long for more of the present. I always thought I wouldn’t miss school that much. It’s not like I do now. It just feels unreal that’s its all over. Unreal that the 12 year period flew by. Unreal that I don’t have to put the wrong date-of-birth in Yahoo or Photobucket anymore. Unreal that I still feel fifteen, or sixteen, or thirteen years old…

Not seventeen.

Can’t be seventeen. That’s how old the kids were in The OC. Or Veronica Mars. I thought I’d never be that age. I thought I’d be watching high-school movies and TV Shows forever and be in school forever.

It’s unreal that I despite the drama, the drifting apart, the changes I wouldn’t have anticipated, I’m still pretty much the same. I’m still searching, finding my niche, and in the process, I seemed to have unlearned a lot more than I’ve learned.

This summer equals Idol, Script Frenzy, texting, hanging out with the usual people in the beach, talking on the phone, books, French class, maybe guitar as well, while struggling with college admissions (which will briefly give K and I something to talk about at last) and anticipating an easier, better life in college with everything being better than what it really is.

That’s what I’ve been doing since the summer of 2008.

That’s what I shall be doing till I feel like I have something better to do, somewhere better to go… when I’ll stop anticipating, planning, wondering and start living and believing I’m actually where I am.

impulse.

the impulse

is more than what is transmitted

by the neuron as permitted

though going with the flow

is more adequate;

did that actually mean the same?

sometimes you do things

and you’re hardly aware

till they bite you at the back

and you feel like you’re falling

falling

falling

you missed rock bottom by two stops

why did you ever take the plunge?

.

.

What’s sadder? The fact that this is all true and not a just-for-the-sake-of-angst thing or that even the poem or whatever you call this sucks? I care too much and then I don’t care for a minute and then I pay. It’s like Macbeth. You should either care or not care. When you’re in between both you take the easy route and feel so frickin much for it.

The guilt eats you up and you’re like Why The Hell Didn’t I Just Do That and That and That? The sad thing is that a part of you knows that if you had done that and that and That, you would’ve felt for that as well but you just happened to take the one which led to the harshest fall.

And this wasn’t the first time. Whatever happened isn’t the only thing that’s eating me up. Too many things are. I’m just either pissed off or scared nowadays. So so so so scared.  Scared about my future and the present and the crap in between which isn’t even worth crapping about. Every millisecond counts and yet it doesn’t.

And during fear-filled moments like these, all these worries accumulate and form this sea of crap and I’m just like…I don’t know. There’s nothing to look forward to. Everything feels and is sketchy. Too many decisions. Too many choices. Too many actions. Too many consequences. Too many ifs and buts and whens.

And everything depends on the here and now and will and can.

I miss the carefree days when we could just be. It sounds stupid and superficial coz I’m just a 12th grader and haven’t ‘even seen the world’ or whatever. I know this is the best of the worst in store for me. Probably. But those days were just… carefree-er?

I’m thinking about the things that led to this entry-thing now and I really wish I wouldn’t think so much. It’s over. I’ll just not do these things again. There’s time. Maybe it’ll heal.

Everything ends with a maybe these days.

Maybe.

closure.

I read those old mails I sent and received back when I used gmail to actually keep in touch when D was vacationing abroad rather than for FP review alerts, school stuff and scanned notes and all that. The mails, chats and FB albums are all traces of the summer of ’08, the summer of FB, the summer of gtalk, the summer when those amazingamazing moments could be recorded like it never had been before.

The notes, doodles and phone numbers scrawled in my French books (for I’d taken my first French class then as everyone else had things like IIT coaching, I wanted something too), the saved chats and everything that imprinted that time used to give me pangsandpangsandpangs as that was one summer that seems picture perfect now as I had been in my element then, full of confidence that was temporary and sudden.

That summer paved way to new beginnings as I threw it all away and switched schools that June. I used to think it would’ve been easier if I hadn’t but I don’t think so anymore. That summer was convenient but there were awkward moments airbrushed from my memory (actual cringe, worthy moments with A ohmygodohmygodcrap and Pr‘s bday).

But All I can remember is the laughing, constantly texting B, K and P, the evenings at the beach, the hints of a crush I hid till I spilled it all to P who actually kept it to herself which I’m eternally thankful for, moments with my family, staying up till 3 chatting with D as I couldn’t sleep how much ever I tried, roaming around CV with P and listening to Imogen Heap (Useless, Speeding Cars) and Panic!AtThe Disco (Lying Is The Next Best Thing..) and falling asleep while reading Fountainhead and waking up to continue where I drifted off, devouring the moist and crumbly chocolate cake and chocolate mousse after French.. They were all unexplainably beautiful and are like shiny, perfect Kodak moments in my head.

Yet, as I finished reading those mails I started reading the chats with S and C right after the Summer of Perfection, my first friends in my new school. Exchanging music, talking about the randomest stuff, actually getting each other’s weirdass references.. moments that had slipped from my mind. Would life have been the same without them?

It’s funny how the pangs have vanished. How D and I are still as close as we were and how maybemaybe it’s even better now as there have been amazing moments after that all scattered which I have overlooked.

It took a random Sunday Morning to get this but I’m happy it did. I feel at home with who I am, where I’m at now. I feel okay being awkward and shy and whatever. No more I Don’t Know Who I Am and I Don’t Belong In This Sucky World Anymore. I think, I hope, I guess.