the new year and its backbone

And it’s 2011. It’s (belatedly) snowing in my blog again. It’s a new year, and I’ve made resolutions. I’ve called and wished everyone a happy new year. I didn’t attend my friend’s new year party, but preferred having a How I Met Your Mother marathon instead. All alone (with my brother watching now and then, though he was mainly on his laptop). With junk food. Till my stomach got sick of all the sugar and I almost fell asleep on the couch (though my phone rang, and woke me up).

I haven’t decided if this new years was pathetic, or just awesome, coz it was predictably within my comfort zone. And for once, I was brave enough (or just plain anti-social) to not go out just for the sake of getting out there… because I just wasn’t in the mood today. I knew that, and yet normally, I’d still go out and make small-talk, hoping something life-changing would happen. Afraid that I’d miss a potential run-in with someone who may change my predictable yet perfectly harmless and whatever life.

It’s stupid, but sometimes, I can feel myself waiting, waiting, and waiting, feeling that desperate.

It was just an hour ago, when the clock struck twelve and the calls came (waking me up from my dazed TV-zombied state) that I paused to assess what I already had. Friends I’d already made, people who were still there in my life, and memories of things that had actually happened. It had amazed me that I hadn’t thought about such things in a while. My mind had been constantly bouncing forward, as it does when you’re not content.

I thought about the people who’d put up with my mood swings and pointless rambling. My almost-jokes and bad days. With my insecurities and to-do lists dated fifty years in the future. I’m not an easy person to be with. I might laugh easily, and try to be nice, but I just can’t sound genuine when I’m being fake. The expressions on my face that correspond with the words are a dead giveaway. Even if the situation demands that I be polite.

I am not an easy person to find a common ground with. Sometimes, when I talk, I may not even make sense to you. I may start arguing against something, and as realise mid-conversation, that the other person is probably right. Sometimes, I can’t even talk. The awkward silences will make me cringe even more than you do, and that one awkward silence will overwhelm and intimidate me, permanently freezing my brain.

Sometimes, we might just hit it off, but you might say one thing, just one thing- that might sound like a subtle insult, or something, and I’ll spend days thinking about it. I’ll wonder if you are bored of me. I won’t be able to talk properly after that, at least for a while.

Given this, and more, I guess I’m grateful to be eighteen, and still have that bunch of really good friends who’ve been with me despite everything- for they are the people who’ve stayed. They are the people who could’ve easily not stayed in touch, as shifting schools, and colleges, and cities- there were and still are a lot of excuses not to stay in touch. People have come and gone, and some relationships were more fickle than they appeared to be, but a lot of them have surprisingly stood the test of time. I will always love them for the endless conversations, laughs, good times, great times, the confessions, moments that felt real, for getting me, for actually liking me, and making me who I am.

2011 marks the beginning of a new decade- and another possibility of growth, and perhaps change. I’m not going to wait for that potentially life-changing something, but cherish what I have, and not take it for granted. It sounds corny. It’s been said a lot of times (in better ways)- but this is all I want from 2011. Let the new year begin!

NaBloPoMo- January

Note: One of the best ways of actually recording and making the best use of every moment would be to, um, record every moment. Which is why I’m doing NaBloPoMo this month (the theme is FRIENDS– Best friends, worst friends, friends of the family . . . how many do you have, how many do you need, and where are they when you need them?). I am hoping to analyse the theme to death this month, as well as blog about its relevance in my life! One post a day will be a challenge, but it should be do-able.

“change” vs change

When you’ve been living in the same place for more than ten years, even changes follow a pattern that’s constant. There are ups and downs and adjustment and tears if you, like me, went to a college where the people are just so different from the kind you’ve been slumming with your whole life. It’s all new new new. If not, it’s even devoid of that.

This “change” is barely one fourth of your life. There are always your other friends, who’ll be there in your life forever. You can afford to be a loner in college, because you’ll still have them. You get to divide your life into partitions.

Soon, this wave of change, becomes a straight line as you get used to that as well. The comfort level goes up up and whatever’s above up. You get to weed out the people from your past who were just there, and you couldn’t make more than smalltalk with. You have that friend you always go to the library with, another friend you always go to the parlour with, and the friends you hang out at parties with, and the friends you go with to the smaller parties. You have the friends who you text 24/7 and even the people you regularly bump into are limited to a predictable few.

Everyone gets categorized. Everything’s so organized and safe.

Or maybe this is just with people like me who are so immune to craziness and spontaneity. It’s nice, but it takes away the element of surprise. And I’m the kind of person who’s forever waiting to be surprised.

purpose.

When we’re not kids anymore it’s not that easy. When can’t live to live when we actually know what that means. We’re not as light as we used to be, don’t feel as light and will never see that light.

Once upon a time life didn’t need a purpose.

Maybe it still doesn’t but there is this obsessive need to have one. The feeling of feeling lost and confused without one. When my TV Subscription was cut off, I had this phase when everything SUCKED because nothing had purpose or significance. Then I tried to think of when I’d actually HAD a purpose and came up with this list.

MYDESIRETOLIVE WAS FUELED BY

6th Std. Harry frickin Potter (How COULD I not live to read the 7th book?); Daniel Radcliffe forums and the great world of EzBoard dot com; friends; I actually liked school then; I was studying well and stuff.

7th Std. Harry frickin Potter (ha). The gobletoffire movie was out, we were all going for it like for my bday and it was going to be soo much fun and all that; School and I liked to hate certain teachers; canteen and buying chocolate from SS; renting movies from MovieLand; 3 way calls; prank calls; going everywhere in the car which once had a driver; landmark;

8th Std. Same as above mostly. And all the books and movies left for me to read and watch in the world.

9th Std. Auto times; School Election fun; The OC (how beautiful was the 1st Season? I wanted to be able to create something that beautiful someday; I lovedloved Josh Schwartz). And I didn’t want this year to be my last year because it was such a shitty year. My Class Teacher hated me. I was slippinslippingslipping at times. But oh the 7th Book (HP). I had to live to read it.

10th Std. School was fun again. 7th Book was releasing, the wait was totall-yyy going to be worth it! Wasn’t it? The 5th movie was going to be out. We were all (same group as 4th) going to watch it. OOo. I liked everyone in class. I had many things to think and giggle about at home and on the phone as a result. Reading Gone With The Wind. If I survived this year, the summer after the Boards would be fantabulous with the DREAM SUMMER already constructed in my head.

10th Summer. No, I didn’t go anywhere out of station or country or go to Guitar classes as I’d wanted to. But I’d joined Alliance; found a little group of people who were basically like people I normally hung out with with different names; Hanging out everywhere; Reading books like Fountainhead and Sloppy Firsts which were the kind of books I’d wanted to read all year. Texting 24/7. 3AM chats. Looking forward to the new school and subjects I’d actually liked. 6th HP movie? (Full version of The Summer -> http://heartshapedlies.wordpress.com/2009/08/30/closure/)

11th Std.FIRST TERM. Getting to know people in the new school; Was I actually doing super well here? A 45/50? ZOMG. I was totally in touch with my other friends as well. Smilie wars. ;]

SECOND TERM. Bio classes (despite sucking at Bio). The rainy days. The Sweet Sixteen That Depressed Me In The End Despite It’s Awesomeness (Coz That’s How Ungrateful Scorpions Are) (no, i’m generalising). TV.

THIRD TERM. The hanging out with cool people. American Idol and how it made me smile and love life. LOST. Bonding with my lil’ brother.

SUMMER. More Idol, Lost, FRIENDS ( the sitcom), texting, Library and Library fantasies, TVTVTV and more TV.

12th Std. TV. Movies that came on TV. Bunking school and lazing around. Hanging out. Writing. Radio.

12th Std LAST TERM (now). No TV? :O Renting movies. Lots of them. Texting. Books. TV on tvshack. Writing. Chilling now and then. The time after exams (there were too many exams).

As you can see my life is getting lamer.

How long will I live like this?

maybe

It’s been a while but nothing’s really changed. I’m exactly where I left off. That’s confused, spoilt, depressed, unsure, pathetic in the high’s aren’t that high yet the low’s aren’t that low either way. The same issues persist and I continue to embarrass myself easily, not think when I talk and just fail at being a human being (‘the social animal that craves for companionship’) basically.

But spending the whole of today kind of experiencing the same and more made me realise that maybe that wasn’t a big deal.

Especially when I spent the whole day writing, watching TV, texting until it started raining… Going out and getting drenched…smelling, tasting and taking in the dampness and the coldness the rain provided, which I lived for.. Listening to Taylor Swift’s Fearless, my guilty pleasure and watching Sonny With A Chance, another guilty pleasure followed by Friends and chit-chatting till I returned to the unpleasant Bio work I had pending.

It was sort of comforting in a warm, fuzzy predictable way. It wasn’t corny or amazing but it was enough. It is enough. I can live with this.

goodbye.

woah.

i should’ve guessed.

i mean. sometimes you just can’t escape your pretty, perfect destiny even if you once were weird, quirky, whatever and stupid with your weird, quirky, whatever, stupid partner in crime. not when you have perfect and pretty down to T.. in your genes practically..

it’s nice that she’s confiding in me as always even though it really feels like we’re breaking apart all the more.

i’m happy for her.

i think.

for once.