purpose.

When we’re not kids anymore it’s not that easy. When can’t live to live when we actually know what that means. We’re not as light as we used to be, don’t feel as light and will never see that light.

Once upon a time life didn’t need a purpose.

Maybe it still doesn’t but there is this obsessive need to have one. The feeling of feeling lost and confused without one. When my TV Subscription was cut off, I had this phase when everything SUCKED because nothing had purpose or significance. Then I tried to think of when I’d actually HAD a purpose and came up with this list.

MYDESIRETOLIVE WAS FUELED BY

6th Std. Harry frickin Potter (How COULD I not live to read the 7th book?); Daniel Radcliffe forums and the great world of EzBoard dot com; friends; I actually liked school then; I was studying well and stuff.

7th Std. Harry frickin Potter (ha). The gobletoffire movie was out, we were all going for it like for my bday and it was going to be soo much fun and all that; School and I liked to hate certain teachers; canteen and buying chocolate from SS; renting movies from MovieLand; 3 way calls; prank calls; going everywhere in the car which once had a driver; landmark;

8th Std. Same as above mostly. And all the books and movies left for me to read and watch in the world.

9th Std. Auto times; School Election fun; The OC (how beautiful was the 1st Season? I wanted to be able to create something that beautiful someday; I lovedloved Josh Schwartz). And I didn’t want this year to be my last year because it was such a shitty year. My Class Teacher hated me. I was slippinslippingslipping at times. But oh the 7th Book (HP). I had to live to read it.

10th Std. School was fun again. 7th Book was releasing, the wait was totall-yyy going to be worth it! Wasn’t it? The 5th movie was going to be out. We were all (same group as 4th) going to watch it. OOo. I liked everyone in class. I had many things to think and giggle about at home and on the phone as a result. Reading Gone With The Wind. If I survived this year, the summer after the Boards would be fantabulous with the DREAM SUMMER already constructed in my head.

10th Summer. No, I didn’t go anywhere out of station or country or go to Guitar classes as I’d wanted to. But I’d joined Alliance; found a little group of people who were basically like people I normally hung out with with different names; Hanging out everywhere; Reading books like Fountainhead and Sloppy Firsts which were the kind of books I’d wanted to read all year. Texting 24/7. 3AM chats. Looking forward to the new school and subjects I’d actually liked. 6th HP movie? (Full version of The Summer -> http://heartshapedlies.wordpress.com/2009/08/30/closure/)

11th Std.FIRST TERM. Getting to know people in the new school; Was I actually doing super well here? A 45/50? ZOMG. I was totally in touch with my other friends as well. Smilie wars. ;]

SECOND TERM. Bio classes (despite sucking at Bio). The rainy days. The Sweet Sixteen That Depressed Me In The End Despite It’s Awesomeness (Coz That’s How Ungrateful Scorpions Are) (no, i’m generalising). TV.

THIRD TERM. The hanging out with cool people. American Idol and how it made me smile and love life. LOST. Bonding with my lil’ brother.

SUMMER. More Idol, Lost, FRIENDS ( the sitcom), texting, Library and Library fantasies, TVTVTV and more TV.

12th Std. TV. Movies that came on TV. Bunking school and lazing around. Hanging out. Writing. Radio.

12th Std LAST TERM (now). No TV? :O Renting movies. Lots of them. Texting. Books. TV on tvshack. Writing. Chilling now and then. The time after exams (there were too many exams).

As you can see my life is getting lamer.

How long will I live like this?

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closure.

I read those old mails I sent and received back when I used gmail to actually keep in touch when D was vacationing abroad rather than for FP review alerts, school stuff and scanned notes and all that. The mails, chats and FB albums are all traces of the summer of ’08, the summer of FB, the summer of gtalk, the summer when those amazingamazing moments could be recorded like it never had been before.

The notes, doodles and phone numbers scrawled in my French books (for I’d taken my first French class then as everyone else had things like IIT coaching, I wanted something too), the saved chats and everything that imprinted that time used to give me pangsandpangsandpangs as that was one summer that seems picture perfect now as I had been in my element then, full of confidence that was temporary and sudden.

That summer paved way to new beginnings as I threw it all away and switched schools that June. I used to think it would’ve been easier if I hadn’t but I don’t think so anymore. That summer was convenient but there were awkward moments airbrushed from my memory (actual cringe, worthy moments with A ohmygodohmygodcrap and Pr‘s bday).

But All I can remember is the laughing, constantly texting B, K and P, the evenings at the beach, the hints of a crush I hid till I spilled it all to P who actually kept it to herself which I’m eternally thankful for, moments with my family, staying up till 3 chatting with D as I couldn’t sleep how much ever I tried, roaming around CV with P and listening to Imogen Heap (Useless, Speeding Cars) and Panic!AtThe Disco (Lying Is The Next Best Thing..) and falling asleep while reading Fountainhead and waking up to continue where I drifted off, devouring the moist and crumbly chocolate cake and chocolate mousse after French.. They were all unexplainably beautiful and are like shiny, perfect Kodak moments in my head.

Yet, as I finished reading those mails I started reading the chats with S and C right after the Summer of Perfection, my first friends in my new school. Exchanging music, talking about the randomest stuff, actually getting each other’s weirdass references.. moments that had slipped from my mind. Would life have been the same without them?

It’s funny how the pangs have vanished. How D and I are still as close as we were and how maybemaybe it’s even better now as there have been amazing moments after that all scattered which I have overlooked.

It took a random Sunday Morning to get this but I’m happy it did. I feel at home with who I am, where I’m at now. I feel okay being awkward and shy and whatever. No more I Don’t Know Who I Am and I Don’t Belong In This Sucky World Anymore. I think, I hope, I guess.

circlesneverend.

I’m listening to Sleeping With Ghosts by Placebo right now. That one song was my muse for half a novel years ago and it’s weird hearing it after I’d played it over and over again years back till I got sick of it. It doesn’t sicken me anymore, surprisingly, but it sounds as hauntingly amazing as it did in the beginning.

It’s songs like these, TV Shows like The OC and books like A Walk to Remember, Gone With The Wind and Fountainhead that  are responsible for my romanticized notion of life as they make everything sound so beautiful: love, hate, self-destruction, everything. It isn’t though. Life is more like this circle of bullshit, like, maybe A Catcher in The Rye.

I loved that book as well but reading it was torture, though disturbingly beautiful torture at some places though my head ached at others. Life’s like Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld which I couldn’t put down but every page filled me with dread as I knew where it was leading. We’re all doomed. Everything’s balanced. Misery is canceled by happiness but that in turn is balanced with misery. It feels like this endless circle and moving in circles, we all end up dizzy and ditzy.