failing, falling .

It’s one of those days when everything just kills you. Memories bring pangs, conversations are replayed in your head again and again till everything sounds horrible, words feel like double-edged swords and there’s no hope left as you feel like you’re the unluckiest person in the world and everyone and everything’s against you.

My friends think I tend to go overboard with the… I don’t know what to call it without sounding pretentious. Yes, I do have those dark days, lengthy periods of time when I feel horrible and nothing can soothe me and the hopelessness just takes over. Apparently, I have no reason for it.

I can’t disagree since obviously I’m biased. And A in particular sounded like she really believed it with the whole, ‘You’re smart, you’re pretty-‘ thing… almost like she wasn’t just humouring me. But god, oh god, it’s just so sad how I create my own problems.. thanks to NaNo, I think my Term exams sucked. The two papers I’ve already got are just… horribly marked.

And I’m flunking Bio as always. The thought of getting my results this Monday makes me cringe. And the report. Ack. Teachers hate me. Okay, just one- no, two of them.

I don’t regret choosing NaNoWriMo over my term exams though, though it wasn’t like I was typing away the day before the exams or anything.

Oh, and things are so so awkward with certain people… fuelled by my awkwardness, of course. I hate failing at both my social and academic life. It’s natural when I’m doing great at at least one of them, or average at both, because that makes sense… but this is cruel.

And I lose things. Yes, I can’t keep track of the things I lose. I don’t know where they disappear. But more about that later.

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maybe

It’s been a while but nothing’s really changed. I’m exactly where I left off. That’s confused, spoilt, depressed, unsure, pathetic in the high’s aren’t that high yet the low’s aren’t that low either way. The same issues persist and I continue to embarrass myself easily, not think when I talk and just fail at being a human being (‘the social animal that craves for companionship’) basically.

But spending the whole of today kind of experiencing the same and more made me realise that maybe that wasn’t a big deal.

Especially when I spent the whole day writing, watching TV, texting until it started raining… Going out and getting drenched…smelling, tasting and taking in the dampness and the coldness the rain provided, which I lived for.. Listening to Taylor Swift’s Fearless, my guilty pleasure and watching Sonny With A Chance, another guilty pleasure followed by Friends and chit-chatting till I returned to the unpleasant Bio work I had pending.

It was sort of comforting in a warm, fuzzy predictable way. It wasn’t corny or amazing but it was enough. It is enough. I can live with this.