#anticlimacticnonsense

What if

You aren’t my crush?

What if you’re just

Validation?

A product of reciprocity

“I’m obsessed with you

Because you care a tiny bit about me.”

Or better yet, White Noise

To bury myself in

Because the silence, it was deafening.

What if, you’re little more than Preoccupation

Because right now,

I need something

To fill the void

Or better yet, a mindless adrenaline rush

Vague, heady, romanticized

Because you dared to get closer

When the lights turned orange.

What if, you’re just a Filler

A forgettable note

Clogging the empty pages

In between chapters

Or worse, some creepy Idealisation

Of what you actually are.

What if you’re nothing like the you

That lives in my head

And eats my thoughts?

What if your sole function

Is making me feel Wanted?

To fill gaps in conversation,

To have something to do.

What if you aren’t my crush?

Sidelines

A sharp, glassy view

With a soundtrack to die for

I can see everything from here,

My hands poised on the rails-

My voice reluctantly trailing away…

But you can’t see me, no.

Your eyes are trained

To seek the center stage.

But this is where I stand-

Away from the curveballs,

The fights, the gravel,

Away from the scathing commentator-

The torment of heckles, backlashes

From rash, rabid rivals.

This is where I stand-

Safe and sound

There, but never around.

Because I’m too cautious,

Too scared, too weak to be a part of the game

But too invested to stay away.

This is who I am-

A silent, frenzied spectator.

imcallingitacrush

Adrenaline, rushed heart beat, silly smile, hand over face, jumping up and down up and down in your head as you wonder what the heck is happening to you. walking around in circles conjuring an almost-life with the possibilities as you jump up and down up and down , blood rushing to your cheeks, your cheeks paining and your hands clutching your cheeks… it’s just like a movie except it doesn’t cut to a plot-relevant scene and loose ends may remain loose ends. jumping up and down up and down in your head as your mind runs wild and heart beats fast all from that spark, that glimpse, that nod.

closure.

I read those old mails I sent and received back when I used gmail to actually keep in touch when D was vacationing abroad rather than for FP review alerts, school stuff and scanned notes and all that. The mails, chats and FB albums are all traces of the summer of ’08, the summer of FB, the summer of gtalk, the summer when those amazingamazing moments could be recorded like it never had been before.

The notes, doodles and phone numbers scrawled in my French books (for I’d taken my first French class then as everyone else had things like IIT coaching, I wanted something too), the saved chats and everything that imprinted that time used to give me pangsandpangsandpangs as that was one summer that seems picture perfect now as I had been in my element then, full of confidence that was temporary and sudden.

That summer paved way to new beginnings as I threw it all away and switched schools that June. I used to think it would’ve been easier if I hadn’t but I don’t think so anymore. That summer was convenient but there were awkward moments airbrushed from my memory (actual cringe, worthy moments with A ohmygodohmygodcrap and Pr‘s bday).

But All I can remember is the laughing, constantly texting B, K and P, the evenings at the beach, the hints of a crush I hid till I spilled it all to P who actually kept it to herself which I’m eternally thankful for, moments with my family, staying up till 3 chatting with D as I couldn’t sleep how much ever I tried, roaming around CV with P and listening to Imogen Heap (Useless, Speeding Cars) and Panic!AtThe Disco (Lying Is The Next Best Thing..) and falling asleep while reading Fountainhead and waking up to continue where I drifted off, devouring the moist and crumbly chocolate cake and chocolate mousse after French.. They were all unexplainably beautiful and are like shiny, perfect Kodak moments in my head.

Yet, as I finished reading those mails I started reading the chats with S and C right after the Summer of Perfection, my first friends in my new school. Exchanging music, talking about the randomest stuff, actually getting each other’s weirdass references.. moments that had slipped from my mind. Would life have been the same without them?

It’s funny how the pangs have vanished. How D and I are still as close as we were and how maybemaybe it’s even better now as there have been amazing moments after that all scattered which I have overlooked.

It took a random Sunday Morning to get this but I’m happy it did. I feel at home with who I am, where I’m at now. I feel okay being awkward and shy and whatever. No more I Don’t Know Who I Am and I Don’t Belong In This Sucky World Anymore. I think, I hope, I guess.