a quick and earnest THANK YOU

This blog has changed names from that girl to heart shaped lies to Hii’mgonnawhineandrantandbeawesomehere to currently: Life is but a bad imitation of art, and vice versa. Only gets more and more pretentious, eh?

Also, as far as the site design is concerned, I decided it was time for a changeover. I hope you like the new look!

I remember starting this blog in 2009. I was a naive little girl, wanting a place to be herself. From my first ever post in June, 2009 titled hello:

i also feel like a stub as people around me are changing and growing and evolving. i feel lost in the whirlwind of change and the only drama i get is from self-conflict which makes me miss 10th and the old school which makes me wonder how crazy i am. and yes, i make the same mistakes, get bored of things easily but despite everything i’m going through i’m glad that i still love writing as that’s one thing that’s been with me throughout. the sound of my fingers against the keyboard as my thoughts flow…that’s music for me.

between all the mistake-making, tension-induced, ugly stupidity there’s one question i’ve been asking myself over and over again this year. maybe it has something to do with being 16 years old but what felt self-explanatory few years back feels equivalent to the unexplainable- who am i?

it’s stupid that i have no clue. i feel like i’ve always been  wearing different masks unconsciously and now that i’m old enough to catch up with myself, i’m confused at what i see which is nothing.

(…)

maybe someday, when this blog gets filled up and life-changing things just HAPPEN like in the movies, i’ll know.

Since then, this has my space: for word vomit, movie/product/App reviews when I felt like it and a contest entry or two. It has helped me sound out, seen me at my creative-best and worst. But more than that, I’d like to think that somewhere along those entries I did grow and find some part of myself.

To those who follow my blog, whether you’re someone I know In Real Life who stumbled into it, a fellow blogger, a semi-regular commenter or lurker: THANK YOU! There was a time when this blog was private because I couldn’t bear the thought of people I knew in real life stumbling into it. But I think I grew more and more immune to this irrational fear. And as my follower count climbed slowly but steadily, I appreciated it but never expected it to reach 50. Especially when I once went out of my way to hide this space. Wow!

You guys validate what I have to say in startlingly significant ways, whether by Liking, commenting on my posts and/ just the presence of your usernames on the blog’s Followers list.

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“change” vs change

When you’ve been living in the same place for more than ten years, even changes follow a pattern that’s constant. There are ups and downs and adjustment and tears if you, like me, went to a college where the people are just so different from the kind you’ve been slumming with your whole life. It’s all new new new. If not, it’s even devoid of that.

This “change” is barely one fourth of your life. There are always your other friends, who’ll be there in your life forever. You can afford to be a loner in college, because you’ll still have them. You get to divide your life into partitions.

Soon, this wave of change, becomes a straight line as you get used to that as well. The comfort level goes up up and whatever’s above up. You get to weed out the people from your past who were just there, and you couldn’t make more than smalltalk with. You have that friend you always go to the library with, another friend you always go to the parlour with, and the friends you hang out at parties with, and the friends you go with to the smaller parties. You have the friends who you text 24/7 and even the people you regularly bump into are limited to a predictable few.

Everyone gets categorized. Everything’s so organized and safe.

Or maybe this is just with people like me who are so immune to craziness and spontaneity. It’s nice, but it takes away the element of surprise. And I’m the kind of person who’s forever waiting to be surprised.

maybe

It’s been a while but nothing’s really changed. I’m exactly where I left off. That’s confused, spoilt, depressed, unsure, pathetic in the high’s aren’t that high yet the low’s aren’t that low either way. The same issues persist and I continue to embarrass myself easily, not think when I talk and just fail at being a human being (‘the social animal that craves for companionship’) basically.

But spending the whole of today kind of experiencing the same and more made me realise that maybe that wasn’t a big deal.

Especially when I spent the whole day writing, watching TV, texting until it started raining… Going out and getting drenched…smelling, tasting and taking in the dampness and the coldness the rain provided, which I lived for.. Listening to Taylor Swift’s Fearless, my guilty pleasure and watching Sonny With A Chance, another guilty pleasure followed by Friends and chit-chatting till I returned to the unpleasant Bio work I had pending.

It was sort of comforting in a warm, fuzzy predictable way. It wasn’t corny or amazing but it was enough. It is enough. I can live with this.

gaps.

When you looked at me then
What did you see?
Fake smiles and real smiles,
Laughter and chatter,
When words flew out
Making no sense
But they were words
And they were precious
And they were words.

I crossed the river
With a confidence now alien
The journey sucking out
Everything I had taken for granted
A cry, a shiver, abashed and daunted
I smiled, I dithered, I wouldn’t go back
Waiting, pacing, waiting and waiting
For the grass
That wasn’t any greener
On the other side.

When you look at me now
What do you see?
Forced smiles amidst fake lies
Awkwardness and silence
As words fly out
To fill the spaces
I feel now missing
In me.