It’s been a year since I started grad school in California, and I couldn’t be more different from the person I was last Fall. Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with the new environment, the people or my classes (though all of these things were unexpected protective factors in keeping me afloat).
Age has a way of hardening you, making you cynical and less wistful about the time you have right now and the times ahead of you.
I know I sound like an 80 year old (I’m slightly younger than that), but I haven’t felt the weight of age, and the chronology of time as much over the years as I do now. I finally choose to see ALL of the people I thought I knew all my life, and I’m stunned by the details I overlooked. Meanwhile, I make careless squiggles over an extra glass of wine, and GET the phenomenology of hair turning gray (and almost get how to use the word phenomenology).
I am more self-conscious than I’ve ever been about what I write here but I am just as invested. If anything, these posts weave continuity – help me parse out the me in ninth grade who constantly wished for life to resemble a movie from the me right now, who finally sees that it always was, I just never chose to see the gorilla – because I was told to shut up and count the players in white (see video if you need a reference to the reference: https://youtu.be/vJG698U2Mvo).