And it’s 2011. It’s (belatedly) snowing in my blog again. It’s a new year, and I’ve made resolutions. I’ve called and wished everyone a happy new year. I didn’t attend my friend’s new year party, but preferred having a How I Met Your Mother marathon instead. All alone (with my brother watching now and then, though he was mainly on his laptop). With junk food. Till my stomach got sick of all the sugar and I almost fell asleep on the couch (though my phone rang, and woke me up).
I haven’t decided if this new years was pathetic, or just awesome, coz it was predictably within my comfort zone. And for once, I was brave enough (or just plain anti-social) to not go out just for the sake of getting out there… because I just wasn’t in the mood today. I knew that, and yet normally, I’d still go out and make small-talk, hoping something life-changing would happen. Afraid that I’d miss a potential run-in with someone who may change my predictable yet perfectly harmless and whatever life.
It’s stupid, but sometimes, I can feel myself waiting, waiting, and waiting, feeling that desperate.
It was just an hour ago, when the clock struck twelve and the calls came (waking me up from my dazed TV-zombied state) that I paused to assess what I already had. Friends I’d already made, people who were still there in my life, and memories of things that had actually happened. It had amazed me that I hadn’t thought about such things in a while. My mind had been constantly bouncing forward, as it does when you’re not content.
I thought about the people who’d put up with my mood swings and pointless rambling. My almost-jokes and bad days. With my insecurities and to-do lists dated fifty years in the future. I’m not an easy person to be with. I might laugh easily, and try to be nice, but I just can’t sound genuine when I’m being fake. The expressions on my face that correspond with the words are a dead giveaway. Even if the situation demands that I be polite.
I am not an easy person to find a common ground with. Sometimes, when I talk, I may not even make sense to you. I may start arguing against something, and as realise mid-conversation, that the other person is probably right. Sometimes, I can’t even talk. The awkward silences will make me cringe even more than you do, and that one awkward silence will overwhelm and intimidate me, permanently freezing my brain.
Sometimes, we might just hit it off, but you might say one thing, just one thing- that might sound like a subtle insult, or something, and I’ll spend days thinking about it. I’ll wonder if you are bored of me. I won’t be able to talk properly after that, at least for a while.
Given this, and more, I guess I’m grateful to be eighteen, and still have that bunch of really good friends who’ve been with me despite everything- for they are the people who’ve stayed. They are the people who could’ve easily not stayed in touch, as shifting schools, and colleges, and cities- there were and still are a lot of excuses not to stay in touch. People have come and gone, and some relationships were more fickle than they appeared to be, but a lot of them have surprisingly stood the test of time. I will always love them for the endless conversations, laughs, good times, great times, the confessions, moments that felt real, for getting me, for actually liking me, and making me who I am.
2011 marks the beginning of a new decade- and another possibility of growth, and perhaps change. I’m not going to wait for that potentially life-changing something, but cherish what I have, and not take it for granted. It sounds corny. It’s been said a lot of times (in better ways)- but this is all I want from 2011. Let the new year begin!
Note: One of the best ways of actually recording and making the best use of every moment would be to, um, record every moment. Which is why I’m doing NaBloPoMo this month (the theme is FRIENDS– Best friends, worst friends, friends of the family . . . how many do you have, how many do you need, and where are they when you need them?). I am hoping to analyse the theme to death this month, as well as blog about its relevance in my life! One post a day will be a challenge, but it should be do-able.