I’m talking about the people whose paths you cross, but that’s about it. You probably knew them really really well at one point, shared superficial inside jokes and memories that were so friggin photogenic. You know their favourite TV Shows, movies, songs, food and subjects. You know what they thought of that book you talked about, or that movie you watched together and that scene you couldn’t stop laughing at. You’ve probably texted them more than you’ve talked to them face-to-face and you gradually stop talking to them.
You probably don’t know where they were born or even their middle name. You may not know who they’ve crushed on or why they’re pissed off or when they’re depressed. You may whine about things together, but only if it’s random or hilarious to whine about it. You haven’t crossed that line beyond which it’s okay to act like a bitch or say intense things and pour your soul out to them.
You hang out in different social circles and while having mutual friends isn’t a pre-requisite to bond, it makes it harder to go beyond talking about certain things. Talking about certain people would feel weird. Bringing up certain topics that are common knowledge to everyone might feel too ‘obvious’ to bring up or like prying.
You may have sounded weirdly formal or corny when you first started getting to know them. And you aren’t weirdly formal or corny. It feels weird and fake to suddenly turn into who you think you are. Like Ross Gellar “phasing out” of his fake British accent.
You don’t really have a lot in common with this person. It’s day-to-day activities and classes and routine that unites you and gives you things to talk about. Once you don’t have these things that push you together, it’s sudden and surprising- but all that’s left is forced chit-chat and awkward silences.
Or sometimes, time and distance just makes you forget them and makes things fade with time.
Sometimes though, things.. like Facebook asking me to ‘reconnect’ with them, or texts, or old e-mails, or old presents and photos.. make me think about these people I once knew and just.. think. We could’ve been close but we aren’t. Or we were on the brink of close. Almost Best-friends-forever.
And I wonder what they’re doing and I miss them.
So, it’s the end of the beginning. The beginning of the end.
My exams are finally over! FINALLY. After two months of slogging, crying, nearly ripping apart textbooks in frustration, texting frantically, texting angrily, making plans for “after the board exams”, drinking iced-tea and thumbing through the 6763 odd lessons left the night before the exam and wondering when it would end, watching American Idol and Chuck and reading Veronica Mars transcripts in between studying, going on Facebook every five minutes, twitter-stalking celebs, Facebook-stalking people I didn’t talk to anymore, thinking about the past, the present, the future, freaking out, letting really dumb things ruin my day…
Making lists of things to do when the exams got over, making promises to yourself, deals with Fate (“I’ll start studying for Eco RIGHT. AWAY if I do well in Bio.”), dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, not letting the drama queens get to me, the bitch-fights IN THE MIDDLE OF EXAMS piss me off, with the dreaming, dreaming, dreaming…
And it’s here. The Day. The beginning of the end of the beginning. The end of 12th standard, school, hanging out in front of the canteen, talking super-loudly in empty classrooms with friends when there’s a class going on in the same floor and we’re supposed to be downstairs playing a sport, losing so many textbooks and water bottles, the “funny” fights that end too quickly, walking with S in circles after school as we talk about nothing, reading ridiculously trashy books in the school library, getting cornered by a teacher and laughing for hours after she leaves, texting and getting calls from Z and D and F just when I assume we’ve lost touch for good, the A-P-P-P Harry Potter movie tradition…
It’s all over. Forever.
I’m not a sentimental person. I’m too busy expecting more and anticipating things to long for more of the present. I always thought I wouldn’t miss school that much. It’s not like I do now. It just feels unreal that’s its all over. Unreal that the 12 year period flew by. Unreal that I don’t have to put the wrong date-of-birth in Yahoo or Photobucket anymore. Unreal that I still feel fifteen, or sixteen, or thirteen years old…
Can’t be seventeen. That’s how old the kids were in The OC. Or Veronica Mars. I thought I’d never be that age. I thought I’d be watching high-school movies and TV Shows forever and be in school forever.
It’s unreal that I despite the drama, the drifting apart, the changes I wouldn’t have anticipated, I’m still pretty much the same. I’m still searching, finding my niche, and in the process, I seemed to have unlearned a lot more than I’ve learned.
This summer equals Idol, Script Frenzy, texting, hanging out with the usual people in the beach, talking on the phone, books, French class, maybe guitar as well, while struggling with college admissions (which will briefly give K and I something to talk about at last) and anticipating an easier, better life in college with everything being better than what it really is.
That’s what I’ve been doing since the summer of 2008.
That’s what I shall be doing till I feel like I have something better to do, somewhere better to go… when I’ll stop anticipating, planning, wondering and start living and believing I’m actually where I am.