insecure

I was re-reading Prep all this while and Lee Fiora’s personality just got to me. I am her. Perhaps even more socially awkward, though less in certain ways.

I just totally ruined what could have been something really great and awesome. I’m such an idiot. I grew self-obsessed, thought too much, and forgot about the other side of things. About what an ass I was being about it. How making it a problem made it a problem to someone else when it wasn’t a problem. It was just a nice thing.

It’s just… when do you stop analysing things? When do you stop wondering whether a person is just being polite or genuinely means it and whether you’re supposed to shake it off or accept it? When will I start thinking of compliments as compliments, invitations as invitations, things as things instead of searching for possible backhanded-ness? When will I stop being so awkwardly, embarrassingly apologetic about everything, forgetting that’s it’s sweet and cute only once or twice?

This week has been… quite a week. I’ve had to deal with more than I can possibly take. I’ve looked at random people I speak to everyday and thought, God, how does she have it so easy? It’s not fair.

And maybe that’s just it. It’s easy if you think of it as easy. Being withdrawn can’t, shouldn’t work unless you want to isolate yourself from everything nice. If you want to be all withdrawn, you probably shouldn’t expect people to try to bring you out of your shell and feel horrible when they don’t because their life isn’t about you. Only your life’s about you.

I wish I’d thought of this and gained insight a little earlier. I think I’ve wrecked and ruined everything. I feel so whatever. Like I can’t believe it happened but it did. Of course it did. For once, this isn’t a rant about people, about how things around me should be but about how I should be to change things around me.

I really wish I’d thought of this earlier and hadn’t behaved so atrociously and now, all I can do is hope/pray for things to miraculously set themselves straight because I need this second chance. And I wish this moment isn’t just one of those moments that passes quickly, bringing back the repression and chaos.

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