the end of the decade. and?

2009 wasn’t horrible. It could’ve been better. I made too many mistakes but I also like to think I’ve learnt from them.

The Law of Losing Something and Gaining Something Else is a law I believe in. I did lose a lot of things but I gained other things so precious I didn’t see it till I had to. I have bartered the carefully carved topaz for a diamond in the rough and that’s okay.

Sometimes, I feel pangs because of the people, places, easier times I’ve left behind but things happen that make me aware of how I’ve needed this change. I’m still scatter-brained and clumsy and irresponsible but I’ve gotten more independent and rely more on myself, to an extent. It shocked me to realise, this year, how I should’ve just trusted my judgment instead of others at times, how I could’ve done things better if I’d let myself have a say in it instead of letting everybody else tell me what to do. And I was shocked by how shocking the revelation was.

I have resolutions this year. But I’m not going to right them down as that would just make them clichedly forgettable. As a decade, this has been a pretty okay one! I mean, we had Britney, BSB, Harry Potter, –cough– Twilight, Adaamm Lambert, Idol, The OC, Death! Cab For Cutie and so many fluffy-cute-amazing things! I’ve probably over looked the best and greatest things but at the top of my head, that’s what the decade represents.

And?

Well, I’d like to just blossom into this perfect person and meet the perfect person and pick the perfect subject to take in college without getting bored by the perfection, thanks to all the sparkly-fireworks-filled tungsten-y (because sepia is so non-futuristic!) moments but I guess life’s just going to be an extension of what it is now.

But I guess you never know, right?

This post could jinx it. This post could also MAKE it funny and Oh-My-God-Yesterday-I-Was-Like-Blah-And-Now-It’s-ACTUALLY-Blah!!!

So… whatever happens… just happen. By now I’d like to think I’m ready for anything (ha).

insecure

I was re-reading Prep all this while and Lee Fiora’s personality just got to me. I am her. Perhaps even more socially awkward, though less in certain ways.

I just totally ruined what could have been something really great and awesome. I’m such an idiot. I grew self-obsessed, thought too much, and forgot about the other side of things. About what an ass I was being about it. How making it a problem made it a problem to someone else when it wasn’t a problem. It was just a nice thing.

It’s just… when do you stop analysing things? When do you stop wondering whether a person is just being polite or genuinely means it and whether you’re supposed to shake it off or accept it? When will I start thinking of compliments as compliments, invitations as invitations, things as things instead of searching for possible backhanded-ness? When will I stop being so awkwardly, embarrassingly apologetic about everything, forgetting that’s it’s sweet and cute only once or twice?

This week has been… quite a week. I’ve had to deal with more than I can possibly take. I’ve looked at random people I speak to everyday and thought, God, how does she have it so easy? It’s not fair.

And maybe that’s just it. It’s easy if you think of it as easy. Being withdrawn can’t, shouldn’t work unless you want to isolate yourself from everything nice. If you want to be all withdrawn, you probably shouldn’t expect people to try to bring you out of your shell and feel horrible when they don’t because their life isn’t about you. Only your life’s about you.

I wish I’d thought of this and gained insight a little earlier. I think I’ve wrecked and ruined everything. I feel so whatever. Like I can’t believe it happened but it did. Of course it did. For once, this isn’t a rant about people, about how things around me should be but about how I should be to change things around me.

I really wish I’d thought of this earlier and hadn’t behaved so atrociously and now, all I can do is hope/pray for things to miraculously set themselves straight because I need this second chance. And I wish this moment isn’t just one of those moments that passes quickly, bringing back the repression and chaos.

the lost .

In the last year I’ve managed to lose this really cute pencil pouch that was a gift from my friend, a shiny green wallet with my Landmark membership card in it (gifted by the same friend), my copy of Anne Frank signed by AR Rahman years ago before Slumdog happened (V, K and I had seen him buying something in Landmark and we asked him to autograph the books we were buying, due to lack of anything else to sign.. but it was pretty cool!), textbooks (Economics and Biology), coins, this yellow and black mechanical pencil and other things that meant so much to me (the Bio and Eco text are exceptions).

Anyway, I can’t get how these things just disappear! Seriously, where do they go? Do other people come across them and wonder where it came from and what kind of a person the owner was? Do they collect in this random place labeled LOST in the middle of nowhere? Because I can totally picture that!

It’s weird finding things as well. Like I borrowed Brat Farrar from my aunt and she asked me to keep it. It looked really old and looked like it had once been a library book with due dates dating fifty years back (Tom Riddle’s diary? I wish!)! It has passed hands, continents (yup, from USA to India and maybe places in between), second hand stores (possibly) and the folds, tears and coffee stains probably marked by these things, memories that probably mean so much to someone out there.

Perhaps someone’s thinking about Brat Farrar now, and picturing the dog eared copy that wasn’t so dog eared then… my copy, filled with history, a past more overwhelming than mine.

weather, rain .

tomorrow, you think,
as clear skies greet you
yet again,
and the birds chirp,
the sun sets,
the night is cool,
schedules are as set.
tomorrow, you think,
as water drips from above,
and the fan’s in motion
and it’s not enough.
tomorrow, you think,
waiting for the first real spell of rain,
the smell, the taste of it
as it serenades you outside your window
and all you can do is watch,
as it postpones the tests, plans, events,
bringing in chaos, prolonging the silence
you desperately need.
tomorrow, you think,
but it never comes when it’s called.

failing, falling .

It’s one of those days when everything just kills you. Memories bring pangs, conversations are replayed in your head again and again till everything sounds horrible, words feel like double-edged swords and there’s no hope left as you feel like you’re the unluckiest person in the world and everyone and everything’s against you.

My friends think I tend to go overboard with the… I don’t know what to call it without sounding pretentious. Yes, I do have those dark days, lengthy periods of time when I feel horrible and nothing can soothe me and the hopelessness just takes over. Apparently, I have no reason for it.

I can’t disagree since obviously I’m biased. And A in particular sounded like she really believed it with the whole, ‘You’re smart, you’re pretty-‘ thing… almost like she wasn’t just humouring me. But god, oh god, it’s just so sad how I create my own problems.. thanks to NaNo, I think my Term exams sucked. The two papers I’ve already got are just… horribly marked.

And I’m flunking Bio as always. The thought of getting my results this Monday makes me cringe. And the report. Ack. Teachers hate me. Okay, just one- no, two of them.

I don’t regret choosing NaNoWriMo over my term exams though, though it wasn’t like I was typing away the day before the exams or anything.

Oh, and things are so so awkward with certain people… fuelled by my awkwardness, of course. I hate failing at both my social and academic life. It’s natural when I’m doing great at at least one of them, or average at both, because that makes sense… but this is cruel.

And I lose things. Yes, I can’t keep track of the things I lose. I don’t know where they disappear. But more about that later.