mybipolarness.

it’s 4AM.

I spent the night typingtypingtyping away till I actually stayed up long enough to type THE END. Yes, I actually finished writing How Long Will It Take? And though the tingle/twinge of excitement did come, this feeling of hopelessness came with it… A part of me was like, So?

And that ruined it. It ruined everything.

Why the hell do I feel so miserable? It kills me!

choppychoppychoppy.

I’ve been up since morning checking out the NaNo forums and this new poetry forum.

My goals before NaNo? To wrap up everything else I’ve started. Which means this and this. Unfortunately, HLWIT is just getting choppier and cheesier and FaC WANTS to be cliffhanger-y and won’t just end like it’s supposed to. I have only a few chapters to go for both. I NEED to finish it.

Speaking of.. after hearing about the great CreateSpace offer (free proof!!) I am wondering if I should write PPoS this NaNo because IF I win NaNo this year and IF I get to order the free proof and IF my parents tear open the package before I get it.. um, I’ll die of the weird-ness. PPoS contains a shooting, student-teacher relationships and more.  And my other stories are all horrible, fluffy romances.

I don’t think I was ever meant to write anything I could show to my parents, ever. :I Or anyone I know, really.

list1.

By the end of 12th Grade, I should have finished watching the 50 Best High School Movies (EW’s list, 2005). Because after that, I don’t think I would watch them. I lovelove High School Movies though. There’s something so watchable about them whether it’s Mean Girls or O or A Walk To Remember (which is not in the list :/) or anything, really.

The ones I reallyreally want to watch are Brick, Assasination of a High School Captain (not on the list, just released), Saved!, Basketball Diaries (NOT on the list; okay what’s with this list?) and The Breakfast Club. I’ve struck off the movies I’m done with so far.

50. Splendor in the Grass
49. Sixteen Candles
48. Just One of the Guys
47. Napoleon Dynamite
46. Flirting
45. My Bodyguard
44. Can’t Hardly Wait
43. Stand and Deliver
42. Fame
41. Can’t Buy Me Love
40. Risky Business (TOM CRUISE! I never knew it was a highschool movie!)
39. the Virgin Suicides (It sounds creepycreepycreepy. And Kirsten Dunst and Josh Harnett were in it?)
38. Bye Bye Birdie
37. Friday Night Lights
36. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
35. Brick
34. Get Real
33. Hoop Dreams
32. Scream
31. The Karate Kid
30. Bring It On
29. Gregory’s Girl
28. Back to the Future
27. To Sir, With Love
26. Pretty in Pink
25. Hoosiers
24. Rushmore
23. Cooley High
22. American Pie (I haven’t watched it :I:I:I)
21. Grease
20. Dead Poet’s Society
19. The Last Picture Show
18. Rock ‘n’ Roll High School
17. Peggy Sue Got Married
16. Lucas
15. Carrie
14. Donnie Darko
13. High School
12. Mean Girls
11. Say Anything
10. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
9. Election
8. Boyz in the Hood
7. Clueless
6. American Graffiti
5. Heathers (LOVED it)
4. Rebel Without A Cause
3. dazed and Confused
2. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (I watched HALF of it. I have the CD with me)
1. The Breakfast Club

I can’t believe it doesn’t include 10 Things I Hate About You, etc. It’s not the best movie but Heath Ledger?!

excerpt.

So I kind of wrote my first short story ever. It’s about a girl who runs (track) and then stops running and how a part of her goes away with it. Very cliched, I know. But it’s a start because it’s the first ever story I’ve actually managed to write in an Indian setting. This has been more difficult that anything, for some reason. Writing about what I’ve lived, breathed and experienced is way harder than infusing elements (hazy emotions and vague longings) of what I know and am into something I’ve just (at most) seen and read about.

Plus, it’s actually PG rated. Very very rare. If my mom asks me what I’m writing again and is all “What’s the use of not showing your stuff to anybody?” I have something to show her. Ha.

Excerpt below.

I remember the day of The Accident, though it’s perhaps the distorted, dramatically intense version that clings to my memory. I wish it weren’t so clear in my head… what happened to things fading with time? To the happy endings that were assured after incidents like these?

Perhaps it’s the only thing I have to cling on to. Perhaps I never knew problems before that.

I’m leaning against the back door of my house that faces the main road… I’m just another girl in the big, polluted, calm, sheltered, tiring yet charming city otherwise known as Chennai…

I used to be someone else… someone who didn’t blend in so easily… who was strong enough to meet obstacles and not run away… who had friends to push her towards the spotlight even if modesty and awkwardness made her reluctantly shrink away…

I used to be someone. A girl. An individual. Where is she now?

purpose.

When we’re not kids anymore it’s not that easy. When can’t live to live when we actually know what that means. We’re not as light as we used to be, don’t feel as light and will never see that light.

Once upon a time life didn’t need a purpose.

Maybe it still doesn’t but there is this obsessive need to have one. The feeling of feeling lost and confused without one. When my TV Subscription was cut off, I had this phase when everything SUCKED because nothing had purpose or significance. Then I tried to think of when I’d actually HAD a purpose and came up with this list.

MYDESIRETOLIVE WAS FUELED BY

6th Std. Harry frickin Potter (How COULD I not live to read the 7th book?); Daniel Radcliffe forums and the great world of EzBoard dot com; friends; I actually liked school then; I was studying well and stuff.

7th Std. Harry frickin Potter (ha). The gobletoffire movie was out, we were all going for it like for my bday and it was going to be soo much fun and all that; School and I liked to hate certain teachers; canteen and buying chocolate from SS; renting movies from MovieLand; 3 way calls; prank calls; going everywhere in the car which once had a driver; landmark;

8th Std. Same as above mostly. And all the books and movies left for me to read and watch in the world.

9th Std. Auto times; School Election fun; The OC (how beautiful was the 1st Season? I wanted to be able to create something that beautiful someday; I lovedloved Josh Schwartz). And I didn’t want this year to be my last year because it was such a shitty year. My Class Teacher hated me. I was slippinslippingslipping at times. But oh the 7th Book (HP). I had to live to read it.

10th Std. School was fun again. 7th Book was releasing, the wait was totall-yyy going to be worth it! Wasn’t it? The 5th movie was going to be out. We were all (same group as 4th) going to watch it. OOo. I liked everyone in class. I had many things to think and giggle about at home and on the phone as a result. Reading Gone With The Wind. If I survived this year, the summer after the Boards would be fantabulous with the DREAM SUMMER already constructed in my head.

10th Summer. No, I didn’t go anywhere out of station or country or go to Guitar classes as I’d wanted to. But I’d joined Alliance; found a little group of people who were basically like people I normally hung out with with different names; Hanging out everywhere; Reading books like Fountainhead and Sloppy Firsts which were the kind of books I’d wanted to read all year. Texting 24/7. 3AM chats. Looking forward to the new school and subjects I’d actually liked. 6th HP movie? (Full version of The Summer -> http://heartshapedlies.wordpress.com/2009/08/30/closure/)

11th Std.FIRST TERM. Getting to know people in the new school; Was I actually doing super well here? A 45/50? ZOMG. I was totally in touch with my other friends as well. Smilie wars. ;]

SECOND TERM. Bio classes (despite sucking at Bio). The rainy days. The Sweet Sixteen That Depressed Me In The End Despite It’s Awesomeness (Coz That’s How Ungrateful Scorpions Are) (no, i’m generalising). TV.

THIRD TERM. The hanging out with cool people. American Idol and how it made me smile and love life. LOST. Bonding with my lil’ brother.

SUMMER. More Idol, Lost, FRIENDS ( the sitcom), texting, Library and Library fantasies, TVTVTV and more TV.

12th Std. TV. Movies that came on TV. Bunking school and lazing around. Hanging out. Writing. Radio.

12th Std LAST TERM (now). No TV? :O Renting movies. Lots of them. Texting. Books. TV on tvshack. Writing. Chilling now and then. The time after exams (there were too many exams).

As you can see my life is getting lamer.

How long will I live like this?

impulse.

the impulse

is more than what is transmitted

by the neuron as permitted

though going with the flow

is more adequate;

did that actually mean the same?

sometimes you do things

and you’re hardly aware

till they bite you at the back

and you feel like you’re falling

falling

falling

you missed rock bottom by two stops

why did you ever take the plunge?

.

.

What’s sadder? The fact that this is all true and not a just-for-the-sake-of-angst thing or that even the poem or whatever you call this sucks? I care too much and then I don’t care for a minute and then I pay. It’s like Macbeth. You should either care or not care. When you’re in between both you take the easy route and feel so frickin much for it.

The guilt eats you up and you’re like Why The Hell Didn’t I Just Do That and That and That? The sad thing is that a part of you knows that if you had done that and that and That, you would’ve felt for that as well but you just happened to take the one which led to the harshest fall.

And this wasn’t the first time. Whatever happened isn’t the only thing that’s eating me up. Too many things are. I’m just either pissed off or scared nowadays. So so so so scared.  Scared about my future and the present and the crap in between which isn’t even worth crapping about. Every millisecond counts and yet it doesn’t.

And during fear-filled moments like these, all these worries accumulate and form this sea of crap and I’m just like…I don’t know. There’s nothing to look forward to. Everything feels and is sketchy. Too many decisions. Too many choices. Too many actions. Too many consequences. Too many ifs and buts and whens.

And everything depends on the here and now and will and can.

I miss the carefree days when we could just be. It sounds stupid and superficial coz I’m just a 12th grader and haven’t ‘even seen the world’ or whatever. I know this is the best of the worst in store for me. Probably. But those days were just… carefree-er?

I’m thinking about the things that led to this entry-thing now and I really wish I wouldn’t think so much. It’s over. I’ll just not do these things again. There’s time. Maybe it’ll heal.

Everything ends with a maybe these days.

Maybe.