rows.

My parents are killing me these days.

It’s rows and after rows after rows with my mother. Everything about it frustrates me. The gritted teeth, the horribly phrased tight-lipped words and the reminders of how sucky I’ve turned out.

The insecurity and horrible-ness of Right Now kills me.

The Future used to kill me. But that used to be okay as I could always tell myself I’d take one day at a time and it was Right Now that mattered as you didn’t really know what could happen in two months and stuff.

That’s what makes the thought of this Right Now so frustratingly nailbitingly screwed up. If I go out once I’m ‘partying all the time’ (yeah RIGHT), if I’m on the phone once I’m ‘on the phone 24/7’, if I watch Ellen like once or twice I ‘watch whatever comes on tv’ and it’s always about getting involved and what the neighbours think and how crushing bad opinions will be.

If that ever happens, they’ll be the cause coz they’re the only ones you exaggerate everything and just KILL me.

My friends want to know why I’ve become so frickin uptight. Well, there you go.

While they’re there like always (my friends) and I love them it’s not enough. It’s never enough. I’m frankly not even that interested in anything that’s done anyway coz I’d rather be alone. I’d rather read and write and read and read till my eyes bleed than TALK and gossip and oooh and aaah over everything.

So they (my parents) didn’t let me even go for a frickin movie tomorrow. I frankly don’t care. I don’t even know why I wanted to go.

But they have to go on and on and on about the many other things I should be doing like BIOFRICKINOLOGY till I want to scream even AFTER saying No and when I scream it’s like ‘Oh What will the neighbours think when they hear that and hear you behaving like a savage?’

OMG. Like they didn’t provoke me AT ALL.

I’m going to call A now and ask her to cancel my ticket.

And I seriously don’t care coz I don’t know what matters anymore. Nothing does. Not when you feel a numb mess and want to break things and break more things and scream but oh The Bloody Neighbours Who You Have Rarely Spoken To Will Think Something And That Matters So Much.

memories.

memories make you
break you
tear you till everything that fed you life
is a murky blur of dotted solitude
till the color becomes a speck
and the darkness (exaggerated)
clouds you and the dregs
of who you never wanted to be
and are all that’s left
of who you are.

memories take you away
from reality that’s a self-fulfilled prophecy
of all that was laid down
before you months ago
and the choices you took
despite the voices
that irked you and grew louder and louder
killing your illegitimate joy (and yet)
it’s memories that sustain you.