words.

I’m always at a loss for words lately.

I gesture. I scream. I jump. I mumble. But words? No, I don’t even have that anymore. It’s sad. Even Boyzone’s better off if you know what I mean.

When did it start? When did opening my mouth and speaking feel like a chore? When did I feel annoyed to answer questions? When did small talk start annoying me when I used to know nothing but small talk once upon a time?

It’s stupid but frustration, anger and hopelessness is said to do things to people I guess. It’s more of ‘Why bother?’ than anything else. It’s only when my friend or someone (usually p) points it out in that matter-of-fact, rather rude Oh-You-Suck way that it really becomes something I want to rectify.

Especially since when I do open my mouth, all the wrong things usually come out.

Top 5 ‘phrases’ I’ve used lately:

“Gzzt.”

“Gahhh.”

“Lalala.”

“What?”

“I don’t care.”

goodbye.

woah.

i should’ve guessed.

i mean. sometimes you just can’t escape your pretty, perfect destiny even if you once were weird, quirky, whatever and stupid with your weird, quirky, whatever, stupid partner in crime. not when you have perfect and pretty down to T.. in your genes practically..

it’s nice that she’s confiding in me as always even though it really feels like we’re breaking apart all the more.

i’m happy for her.

i think.

for once.

dreams.

dreams are pretty weird things, aren’t they?

it’s filled with so much crap you’re like what?! and obviously, they’re never full of stuff you want to happen. even more fucked up than reality in a way. the minute, stupid stuff you thought about or mentioned in passing some how worms its way in and the crappiest fear of all gains the center of attention. the cute, amazing things that make you smile? no, of course they’re not in. they’re not weird enough.

i’ve been puzzling over the dreams i’ve been getting a lot lately as the psychology student in me wonders if freud was on to something and it does indeed mean something. but the only way to describe them is random.

but in some ways, maybe it makes a lot of sense. maybe it’s life personified. maybe it’s one way to sum up everything – a messed up, overlooked blur. i can’t help but think of panic!at the disco at this moment.

hello.

hello.

i hate that word. hello. it sounds so hollow, polite, whatever. and hi? too blunt unless it’s hiiiii!!! maybe that’s what my problem is. i look into these things too much. i analyse every stupid thing people say and when you analyse things they just all seem hateful, horrible, disinterested and…you know. even annoying if your name is Mia and you spent the whole of the fourth book of Princess Diaries whining till it hurts. does he LIKE me or LOVE me? give me a fucking break.

i can be a bit of a hypocrite, yes.

i’m going through this phase when i like not using capital letters and pretti sounds prettier than pretty (yeah, go away stupid grammarfreaks/nitpickers!). and i love britney, katy perry, boom boom pow, adam lambert, simon cowell,¬† LOST, heroes, vm and i WANT to love eminem’s whatever single ‘we made you’ and repetitiveyetdeliberatelyfastpaced gossip girl (though i still watch it). i feel like a part of me is gone with my old school and i feel boring, useless, alone, stupid and yet thankful for all the changes i’ve deliberately opted for. i also think i’m bipolar because my mood swings? they’re not really spaced out. one day i’m happiii and the next day i’m lost and feel forced into my own body.

i also feel like a stub as people around me are changing and growing and evolving. i feel lost in the whirlwind of change and the only drama i get is from self-conflict which makes me miss 10th and the old school which makes me wonder how crazy i am. and yes, i make the same mistakes, get bored of things easily but despite everything i’m going through i’m glad that i still love writing as that’s one thing that’s been with me throughout. the sound of my fingers against the keyboard as my thoughts flow…that’s music for me.

between all the mistake-making, tension-induced, ugly stupidity there’s one question i’ve been asking myself over and over again this year. maybe it has something to do with being 16 years old but what felt self-explanatory few years back feels equivalent to the unexplainable- who am i?

it’s stupid that i have no clue. i feel like i’ve always been¬† wearing different masks unconsciously and now that i’m old enough to catch up with myself, i’m confused at what i see which is nothing.

but there’s a lot of time ahead which scares me and yet fills me with hope which has almost always let me down.

being nail bitingly shy, overly concerned, over analysing and lying unnecessarily? that’s not something you want to be. it’s not easy to uncover the layers that have formed with time.

who am i?

maybe someday, when this blog gets filled up and life-changing things just HAPPEN like in the movies, i’ll know.